Clarify Your Core Values
a simple exercise for when you're in need of direction
Hi friends,
In this instalment of Wisdom Within, I’m sharing an exercise that I sometimes encourage clients to do between sessions. It’s a simple and powerful exercise for clarifying core values, which are our innermost guiding beliefs and principles that we hold dearest—or more basically, what we really care about. Our values reflect what is crucially most important to us in life.
Our core values, whether we’re conscious of them or not, influence our day-to-day feelings and reactions, choices, and behaviours. Values are relevant in the daily minutiae, in the large-scale view of our lives, and everywhere in between. They might be revealed through what we choose to have for dinner, what we do for work, or how we spend a Sunday afternoon.
Values are at the heart of our most difficult decision dilemmas (when two or more of our values come into tension), our strongest emotional responses (when we feel our values are being fulfilled or challenged), and most courageous moments (when the motive to uphold a value is greater than the fear of action).
While our values tend to be relatively stable, certain ones might come to the forefront more than others at different chapters in our lives. Or, sometimes, what we care about shifts more radically, as can happen when we go through a major life transition such as becoming a parent, facing an illness, losing a loved one, or ending a relationship. Therefore, it can be helpful to reassess our values across time, not only to clarify our most current value system, but also to gauge how aligned or not we feel with what matters most to us.
By becoming more conscious of our core values, we gain access to a strong internal compass for making changes in our lives, big or small, that support our well-being. Through knowing what’s most important to us, we can also better interpret our emotional responses to events and circumstances so that we can navigate them more skilfully.
For example, maybe we come to understand that a chronic low grade feeling that something is “off” can be explained by a misalignment with a core value (e.g., community) giving us better sense of direction in our choices and actions (e.g., attending community events, groups, or the need for a larger change like moving to a new place). Or, say, we find that a recurring source of hurt with a close friend (e.g., one friend reaching out more than the other) reflects a divergence in values (e.g. friendship for one person as opposed to career for the other), allowing for more understanding and compassion for one another, better communication, and possible solutions. For couples, many recurring conflicts can also be understood and looked at through the lens of values, when different priorities are at the fore for each partner. Finding compromise in our most intimate relationships is much more doable when we understand what our differing values even are. We’re not often actually arguing about the thing we think we’re arguing about—understanding the subtext gives us a far better chance of fruitful conflict resolution.
What I find beautiful and humbling about our values is that while they’re inevitably influenced and shaped by our environmental upbringing—by our culture, learned ideals, peers, place, family, and so on—they also seem to be deeply intrinsic.
For example, we can imagine the botanist who remembers an infatuation with plants as early as five years old, revealing nature as a long-held and withstanding core value. Or the passionate elementary school teacher who now names education or leadership as core values, who, as a child, had a habit of lining up her stuffed animals to guide them through a nonsensical lesson. Or say, a young voracious reader for whom solitude will continue to be a necessary ingredient for wellbeing, a central theme and a guiding north star for building a life, and what could be identified as a core value.
What makes us tick goes beyond our understanding and is somewhat ineffable. Yes, our life story and the influences that shape us can help us make sense of ourselves, but also, beyond the limits of our understanding, simply: we are the way we are. Family, peers, and systems can tell us what to value and who to be, but ultimately, something deeper within each personhood insists on its own expression. What a wonderful and mysterious thing. We do better to work with this insistence, rather than against it. Clarifying our values is one way of supporting the unique expression of who we are, by getting to know what makes us us.
So, with all that in mind, let’s jump into the exercise below. (I’ve also uploaded a printable PDF version, for those who prefer to do this away from the screen!)
CLARIFY YOUR VALUES
Bonus points: Put your phone on airplane mode or leave it in another room. Take a few extra minutes to get centered, either through a brief meditation or by simply taking a few deep breaths, feeling your spine tall and your sit bones rooted wherever you happen to be seated.
Step 1: Before looking at the list of values, spend a few minutes reflecting and journaling on the following questions:
How did I spend my time as a child whenever I was free to choose? What did I enjoy doing? From what I can remember, what was I often thinking about or talking about?
When I bring to mind feelings of flow, clarity, or joy, what memories or images come up? What do I tend to be doing in those memories? Are there common themes?
When do I feel most at home or at ease in myself?
Step 2: Now, indulge yourself! Look through the list of values from start to finish, while paying attention to words that catch your attention more than others. Circle your top ten values. Some words might seem redundant (e.g., equity and fairness), but you’ll likely notice that some words resonate with you more than others, so go with the words that jump out at you most.
Step 3: This is the hard part! Narrow down your list to your top five most important values, then your top three, and then your number one guiding value. Think of it as your north star. A helpful thing to keep in mind is that identifying one top value doesn’t mean that you’re ruling out the others in your life. You’re simply identifying which is the most important to you. You can take comfort in the fact that your highest value likely encompasses many others within it—in other words, other values of importance to you might all be expressions of your top value.
Step 4: Look at your list of top five values. How aligned do you feel with these values in your life right now? Feel free to reflect on this question by thinking about your life both holistically and categorically (e.g., relationships, work, health).
Step 5: Next to each value, write down “misaligned,” “aligned,” or “somewhat aligned.” For any values that you’ve noted “aligned” or “somewhat aligned,” write down all the ways you can think of that it’s showing up or being expressed in your life. For any values that you’ve noted as “misaligned,” feel free to start brainstorming and dreaming! What are some ways you can think of to create a greater sense of alignment with those particular values?
I’d love to hear your reflections! What are your core values? Any surprises? Was it hard to narrow it down to one? Hope to see you in the comments! xx